Lost and Bruised

Some changes are good some are bad but the bad are outweighing the good.

Bad Changes

1. Work changed everything nothings the same and they haven’t told us all of the changes so as we continue the year the changes are thrown at us everyday.

2. Home isnt the welcoming home it was before. It’s hostile becuase Bart and Elisa are both selfish bitches. Thye are passive aggressive and you cant talk to either of them becuase she is manipulative and he just blows up and snaps at me. 

3. Morgan is moving farther away and into a house with her boyfriends parents and I cant stand those people they don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves. and the stepdad is a creeper. Her boyfriend thinks I am a bad influence on her so that means we will never have another trip to Disney or anywhere for that matter.

Good Changes

1. Yoga and Kickboxing with Pattie 3 times a week. Feels amazing goes by fast but its def a workout and it helps me release.

2. Morgan is interning right down the road from me so I can see her then.

3. Yogurt place and Reubens.

4. Adam…even if I never hear from him again he will stay on my good list.

5. Food in my apartment for me when I am hungry!

As of now there are more goods then bad but the bads are all so extravagant that sometimes it makes it hard to remember the good.

1.For the most part they are selfish.

2.They are all twofaced.

3. You can’t take to them about how you are feeling becuase they either don’t care or turn it so its your fault and not hear you out about it.

4. They don’t give a fuck if your sad becuase they don’t want to hear about it so they just yell at you and make you sadder.

5. No one talks because 2 of them are in a bitch feud.

6. They write their name on stuff like its a pissing contest and don’t give a fuck how it effects me.

7. They leave each other out so I am the middle guy.

8. They only care about whats upsetting them and if you tell them whats upsetting you they snap at you becuase they are FUCKING ASSHOLES.

9. They decide something and go through with it like ohhh kicking one of them out when they get back from Afghanistan and don’t ask you how you feel about it and tell the roommate anyways.

10. They make decisions like letting somebody move in and don’t even mention it to you. Or atleast the person that should mention it doesn’t so I hear it from the wrong person.

11. They claim that you are their closest friend in the house but they dont talk to you, they yell at you when they dont want to hear you, and they make you feel like you are nothing and that they would notice if you were gone.

Dude I get that your an egotistical guy but I am a fucking girl so try for once to just listen to me without getting pissy or snapping at me or giving me your unasked for opinion like I do for you. Sometimes your more of an emotional asshole then I am an emotional pussy. So chill out and remember that I am prob one of the best damn friends you have you dumb fuck. 

Holy fuck so def made the mistake of being so annoyed with work I made a facebook comment about it so forgot that society will stalk you and fire you for having an opinion on something they dont much care about. Must remember to keep my thoughts to myself and only vent on my blog. Oh and hey you stupid fucking computer how about you keep up with my typing and stop being so fucking delayed. Best be looking for a new job if im gonna get fired for a facebook status.

I lived in the Land of Misfit Toys so I am accepted and not judged for anything I do. Well for what I talk about them and admit to what I do.

Its also like Science Mystery Theater because we make comments to every movie and TV shows we watch and I love it!

I love everything about here even when he makes me feel shitty and I think he is being a Dick. I dont want to be away. When I tell my girl about our fights I am upset but at the same time so glad to have those stories becuase they are experiences I haven’t had before. 

I may be going threw things but I am glad to have my safe haven to go threw them at.

Is Fate and Karma the same as jesus and god for “Nonbelievers”?

Sometime I Think I am prettyier than I really am. Like I  am remembering a past life.

My aunt died a few months ago. One on my dad’s side and I actually went to this one’s funeral unlike the other one. Cathy’s. Well Karen was one of my favs but they are all my favs on my dad’s side becuase they try to make me feel included when I am in Conneticut. Funerals are hard but when you have family around you its much easier but I felt like an outsider. I had no stories, no fond memories to tell of. I didnt belong there. I shouldn’t have been there. The only thing that connected us was blood and thats it. I am not saying I didnt love her just that I wasnt there. It was like being at a funeral for a stranger. I know more of my country club members better than I knew her. I am pretty sure she was my God mother too. But I am not sure. Well it made me even sadder to think that if my dad ever died I would be in the same position becuase I have no stories, I have some memories but I have to dig deep to find them. And that is gonna hurt so much when my cousins are gonna have more to say about him then I do. My Own Father. I love him so much but our relationship has never been personal. I can’t ask him about what happen to him and mom and get his side. I want to be close to him. I want to be a daddy’s girl but I feel like I never got the chance, that being a momma’s girl was chosen for me. All I can hope is that when/ if we go on this cruise I can talk to him about who he is and was. I can find out his life story. Well atleast thats what I am hoping for….I love you 

Went back on my medication a week after I got back from Europe. Started with one and after about a month I felt that it wasnt affecting me the way it is supposed to it wasnt strong enough becuase I was still had emotions that hurt every fiber that made me start hurting myself but to me I dont consider it hurting myself becuase I feel it was an feeling I wanted to know what it felt like. So I consider this means I was still depressed so I started taking two. Well that back fired I was over sensitive but instead of being sad I would be Pissed,more angry than necessary, snappy, easily offended and could blow up at the littlest things. Took two or three days of me being on the double dosage. Those three days were a spiral. I snapped at my brother more than ever and apologizing a second after cause I knew it wasn’t right. I had a crazy bitch day, worse than usual, a work. I stopped texting everyone becuase I didnt want to talk to anyone. And I on a spree decided that not only I want to color my hair I want it all cut off. Not super crazy and it still looks pretty and natural but I had been growing it out for a while and when she asked me how long I had been thinking about cutting it I told her weeks but what I really meant was an hour or two. If she knew the truth she wouldn’t have done it. I do not regret cutting my hair at all, I enjoy doing spree of the moment crap with my hair. I also after the crazy bitch day at work decided that I was done with the medication, actually the day of the crazy bitch brunch I had been off it for a day or two. So ya I believed that I should stop taking my medication becuase it obviously wasnt working. Slept on it and realized that I dont need to go completely off my medication but go back to taking one becuase the one was helping I was just fighting it I guess. So I am back on one a day.

I hate this Feeling. Its like feeling nothing and faking every interaction throughout the day. I just want to Sleep all day and I am still tired throughout the day. I dont wanna be alone but I dont want to be around anyone becuase I feel like I would just bring them down. I hate talking to people about it becuase I feel like I am being dramatic and attention seeking. I just want it to stop. I want to feel like myself but I feel empty. What is this? Theres this thing called Brain State and they change your brain patterns or something and I guess it fixes issues like anxiety and depression and I would love to do it becuase if I can stop my brain from being like this without taking medication that would be amazing. I just wanna cry all the time but I just cant. I dont even know what I am saying but I just need to write it somewhere.

My mom has two families. One was years ago when she was a single mom and it was just me and her. Now she has a husband and a four year old who need her. I need her too but at some point in your life you have to let go of the past and move on. Ive always wished my family was big and close to each other and got together for holidays and birthdays like they do in the movies. On my dad’s side there are 12 cousins and they all like in a 20 mile radius of our Nana except me I  live in a different state. They get together for every holiday and special occasion and I’ve only ever been apart of two occasions. My cousins graduation party and my Nana’s 80th birthday. And they dislike me. You can just tell by the way they look at me and arent really xcited to see me. They arent used to may personality they dont like my sarcasm or anything. My mom’s side of the family never gets together except weddings and funerals. So far 1 wedding and 1 funeral. Two of my uncle and thier familes dont talk to my mom so that means they dont talk to me and it sucks. I hate being disliked or looked down upon because of who I am attached to. 

The familes that I have had that always seemed stable and got together was what I call my work family. You can always depend on someone in your work family being at work. Except when I started Borders I was “mark’s gf” not the new coffee girl or anything that was a blank slate but “Mark’s GF” and so when me and mark were over it never really processed with any of them. And then I fell for Nick, Nick also works at borders and is friends with mark and others who knew me as “marks gf” so now they are disgusted with the whole thing and that just makes me feel like a whore but I didnt really give a shit what most of them thought. I only truly worried what mark’s dad would think (he also works at borders) I thought he would hate me and never talk to me but he came up to me and told me he was happy for us and his son and all the others can go F*ck themselves. Thats made it all so much easier.  

Talk about delayed writing, this issue was the end of last month. 

This month my mom has gone to Fayetteville and came home this weekend. Ive missed her alot but I refuse to be around my stepfather becuase Thursday night we got in a fight because Nick and me put a Silver plate in the dishwasher and we didnt know it would ruin it so Carter decided to verbally attack me in my room while Nick was right there. After he bitched and upset me he finally started leaving so I began to shut the door behind him so I didnt have to see him and I could ignore him. Well apparently I hit his ankle and pushed the door back at me and came in my room and grabbed my face with both of his hands. I yelled at him to get the fuck out of my room and locked the door behind him. I instantly began crying and called morgan as I packed. I asked/ told her I had to come over and stay the night and I couldn’t be at my house anymore. well that asshole came back and knocked on my door and knowing he was in trouble tried to fucking manipulate me. He goes are you gonna tell your mom? It would upset her greatly. and then decided to call selfish and that I only ever think of myself. Well Fuck him. I didnt tell mom not becuase of you, you fucking asshole but because I know you wont set a hand on ZZ but when he gets older and talks back to you because he realizes his father IS an asshole I will be there for him to talk to and get away from you. But right now I am moving out of that fucking house and letting mom have her new family but I will not be her built in nanny and house cleaner.

But just so you know mom, I love you but you as a therapist should see what you are doing to me and see how my behavior isnt right. When I leave mom you will see how ‘clean’ your house gets, how happy zz and the dogs will (not) be. I love you with all my heart but I no longer belong there, I probably was never meant to be back home after high school. Its not healthy for me to be there anymore. Im afraid to leave though becuase still living in your house allows to to hold on to the past to the many apartments we lived in just me and you.  I will always remember that mom.